Dim ‘Lumina’ is as dreadful as sci-fi can get
I’ve seen some pretty putrid sci-fi movies over the years but never anything as stupefyingly inept as the alien abduction drivel ironically titled “Lumina.” How awful is it? It’s hard to know where to begin: Eric Roberts’ insane, over-the-top cameo as a crazed UFO nut in a tin foil hat? An utterly annoying lead performance from the (blessedly) previously unseen Rupert Lazarus? Or, the incomprehensible, tonally askew script by rookie director Gino McKoy? How about we start with the mind-boggling realization that this abomination found its way to a movie screen?
The best that can be said about “Lumina” is that it would make ideal fodder for mockery on “Mystery Science Theater,” if that classic were still around. Since it’s not, I’ll do my best imitation while exacting revenge for having wasted nearly two hours of my too-short life.
It took all of three minutes to get my back up. A performance as clunky and smug as that inflicted by Lazarus as the pompous, hirsute money bags, Alex, will do that to a person. His character has the opposite effect on his lovely houseguest, Patricia (Sydney Nicole Rogers), who thinks the diminutive Alex is the second coming, a vast over-assessment she shares with Richie Rich’s former gal pal, Delilah (Andrea Tivader), and his current squeeze, the gorgeous but vacant, Tatiana (Eleanor Williams).
On this night, Alex’s mansion is the scene of an intimate party to celebrate his good fortune of meeting Tatiana, the daughter of a couple of wack jobs living in a remote area of the Sahara in fear of additional encounters with extraterrestrials. That latter occurrence is initially unknown to Alex, but he’s about to experience one of those visits firsthand when space invaders crash his party, setting his finely manicured grass afire while crystallizing Tatiana and transporting her up to the heavens. The incident provides McKoy the opportunity to utilize his cheesy special effects, while also enabling Lazarus to reveal his limitations as an actor, wandering about the mansion frantically calling out “Tatiana” repeatedly in a voice so shrill it had me covering my ears.
Finding the police of little help, Alex decides he’ll search for his beloved on his own. Natch, Patricia and Delilah want to tag along with Alex and his conspiracy-crackpot friend, George (Ken Lawson). Oh, I should note that Delilah, true to her namesake, has ulterior motives for joining the hunt. Meaning that she wants Alex back. No idea why.
The first stop is the disheveled lair of a deranged maniac named Thom (Roberts) who “knows” about “secret” government projects concerning “visitors” from other galaxies. At this point in Roberts’ underachieving career, you can only pity him for getting involved in such a humiliating display. Not only does he ham it up, he’s completely out of step with the film’s original vibe. Are we supposed to chuckle? Or, are we to cringe? I honestly didn’t know. And it won’t be the first time McKoy’s film teeters between intentional and unintentional laughs.
“Lumina” goes completely off the rails when the gang flies to Morocco because Alex is having “dreams” about exactly where Tatiana is being held. This excursion affords us the opportunity to meet Tatiana’s aforementioned wacko parents before the foursome ventures out into the Sahara in search of a U.S. government facility (under the highly appropriate acronym of DUMP) allegedly harboring aliens of various ilk. Cue the cutesy “Men In Black” and “X-File” references. It’s never explained, but somehow the gang is suddenly tooling down a deserted highway in a large RV. Their first stop is an oasis that is not just magnificent to behold, but also facilitates a chance encounter with a man and woman claiming to be Sonny and Cher! I kid you not. I told you this thing was a disaster.
Cher (Emily Hall), doing all of the talking, directs our “heroes” to DUMP, where the shit will eventually be excreted to greatly diminishing effects. Litigious sorts please note that it involves creatures who look close enough to the prawn-like monsters in “Aliens” to warrant a lawsuit. I will say no more because I have no idea what in the name of Ed Wood McKoy was attempting to convey in the final 20 minutes. I can confirm that it unfolds on a faraway planet, a most suitable place for “Lumina” and its grating characters to be banished. Hopefully, forever.
Movie review
Lumina
Rated: R for some language and violent content
Cast: Rupert Lazarus, Andrea Tivader, Sidney Nicole Rogers, Eleanor Williams, Ken Lawson and Eric Roberts
Director: Gino McKoy
Writer: Gino McKoy
Runtime: 111 minutes
Where: In theaters July 12
Grade: D-
