‘Drummer Boy’ misses too many beats

   Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum; a newborn film to see, pa rum pum pum pum; unfinest gifts they bring, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.

    I sing, of course, of Angel’s “Drummer Boy,” which is pa rum pum pum dumb. It’s also laughably anachronistic, building its Revolutionary War tale around a carol Katherine Kennicott Davis didn’t write until 1941 and invoking the name Clem, as in Maj. John Lincoln Clem, who didn’t gain fame until rhythmically beating his field snare during the Civil War. But why let facts get in the way of an inane scenario?

    Written by Richard L. Ramsey, he of the faith-based musicals “Unsung Hero” and “The Song,” and set to a handful of uninspired tunes by the Christian rock duo For King & Country, “Drummer Boy” is comprised almost exclusively of clichés, most notably a star-crossed romance and a family divided by war. That clan would be the Clems: Jeremiah, Ben and their widowed mother, Rachel, destitute farmers in Colonial Kingston, toiling away when word gets out about a little skirmish at Lexington and Concord.

    Half the town supports the Crown and the other dreams of emancipation. Jeremiah (Joel David Smallbone, who also co-directs with brother Ben), the eldest Clem, is conflicted. But because he’s secretly in love with Elizabeth (Beth Easdown), the fetching daughter of the monied commanding officer of the local Redcoats, Lord Balfour (Charles Esten), he opts to throw in with the Brits. Despite a “useless” right leg, the titular percussionist, Ben (Lucas Leach), joins the local militia led by the fatherly Major John Ambrose (Iain Glen).

     What do you want to bet the two sibs come face to face in battle? And might Ben’s drum prove instrumental in the corniest of ways? On Christmas morning, no less? Even ChatGPT wouldn’t generate schmaltz this bad. Throw in an enslaved house servant in India Brown’s Emmaline, who’s carrying a torch for Jeremiah, and you get the added bonus of a bizarre love triangle in which she pretends to be Elizabeth while exchanging breathlessly romantic correspondence with her childhood chum.

    Natch, Jeremiah, upon learning the truth, claims he sensed it was her all along, which makes sense since he taught her to read and write and would presumably recognize her handwriting. Still, you gotta love the dainty little flower she draws next to the “E” in her signature at the bottom of every romantic and inspirational missive.

    There’s also lots of MAGA-approved talk of God, namely the Christian one, who apparently ordains who governs; a contention that’s likely to draw protest from Muslims, Jews, Buddhists and every other religion equally protected by the Constitution. For a film that speaks and sings fervently of freedom to choose, the nonsectarian “Drummer Boy” literally preaches that Yahweh is the only way.

   Beyond the unimaginative script, overbearing religiosity, and tedious, awkwardly dispersed songs, my chief complaint with “Drummer Boy” is the casting of 42-year-old Smallbone as the twentysomething Jeremiah, especially opposite 23-year-old Leach, who plays 17-year-old Ben.  His singing and acting are adequate, but the obvious age disparity is distracting. He also has zero chemistry with Easdown and Brown as his love interests, neither of whom receives even a kiss from the big lug. Talk about chaste! “Ye britches shalt not be dropped” seems to guide his compass. Well, that, and his half-hearted attempts to promote racial equality through an interracial relationship that never gets consummated. On screen, anyway.

    Ramsey further errs by botching the climactic Burning of Kingston, which the Brits carried out, not the Continental Army, as the film depicts. At least the battle scenes are decent, though only one casualty matters among dozens. Apparently the Big Guy was looking out for the flick’s lackluster leads. But not Jeremiah and Ben’s pop, Nathaniel (Ioan Gruffudd), who gets wasted by a band of ruthless French sailors in the movie’s prologue, leaving Mom (Melora Hardin, aka Jan on “The Office”), a not-so-merry widow.

     But rest assured, a very Merry Christmas is in the offing, but not before Ben beats his drum of peace in the face of Lord Balfour’s emotive command to “Kill the drummer boy!” An order that could well go down in movie-dialogue infamy with “release the kraken.” Alas, no need to kill this “Drummer Boy.” It’s already dead. Pa rum pum pum pum!

Movie review

Drummer Boy

Rated: PG-13 for some bloody images, war violence

Cast: Joel David Smallbone, Lucas Leach, India Brown, Melora Hardin, Beth Easdown, Charles Esten and Iain Glen

Directors: Ben and Joel David Smallbone

Writer: Richard L. Ramsey

Runtime: 127 minutes

Where: In theaters Nov. 6

Grade: C-