The inanity of ‘Eternity’ is doomed to last a lifetime
In the interminable “Eternity,” everyone is dead, including the lifeless characters inhabiting a sort of Ellis Island for the newly departed. It springs from the mind of director-co-writer David Freyne, this discombobulated enterprise’s grim reaper. His agenda is clear: He wants to bore you to death. And for the most part, he succeeds, killing off nearly two hours of your precious existence.
For Freyne, our demise is ripe fodder for laughs, as he and his co-scripter, Patrick Cunnane, set out to frighten us by suggesting that contrived rom-coms don’t die with us. They live on, gratingly so, in a madcap purgatory in which a recently deceased woman must choose between spending the rest of her afterlife with either husband No. 1 or hubby No. 2. Think of it as a sort of “Dating Game” for corpses in which the grand prize is spending “forever” in the vacation “paradise” of your choice. Only, wherever that is, you can never leave. A sort of Roach Motel, if you will.
Freyne and Cunnane make the rules simple. It goes something like this: As soon as you gasp your last breath on Earth, a la “Being John Malkovich,” you reawaken on an Amtrak train to a waystation known as “the junction,” where you are processed by a genie-like AC (afterlife coordinator) eager to assist you in selecting your final resting place. Your choices range from a crowded beach to a mountain retreat, to a nudist colony, to a male-free paradise. But hurry, that last one is quickly selling out. Ha ha! The caveat, or caveats, is that you only have a few days to take your pick, and once you do, there’s no turning back – unless you want to spend the next millions of years or so inside the “junction’s” version of a black hole. I imagine that’s something akin to watching “Eternity” on a loop for, well, eternity.
Lucky for you, I’m here to help you escape that hell by urging you to forego “Eternity’s” and its enticing come-ons provided by Miles Teller, Elizabeth Olsen and Callum Turner, actors who can’t help ut emit charm and likability. But don’t be fooled. They represent the three sides of this Bermuda Triangle in which Olsen’s Joan Cutler must decide if she will spend her eternity with either husband No. 1, the killed-in-action Korean War hero, Luke (Turnery), or husband No. 2, her life partner for the past 65 years, Larry (Teller).
Both have their pluses and minuses. Luke, although wed to Joan for a very short time, has loyalty on his side, having patiently spent the past 67 years waiting for her to join him before selecting his “eternity.” But he’s a bit of a putz when it comes to honoring Joan’s agency. He’s stuck in the ’50s, remember. Larry, on the other hand, is a known quantity, despite his various annoying habits, like serial complaining and munching mini pretzels.
It’s the latter that’s bought Larry’s ticket on the “death train.” He choked on them while attending his grandchild’s gender-reveal party. While his farewell was unexpected, Joan’s was imminent due to her Stage IV cancer. As “luck” would have it, she joins Larry at the “junction” just one week later, not expecting to be reunited with Luke.
All you need is ChatGPT to work out the rest, which is precisely what I suspect Freyne and Cunnane did, given the robotic nature of what ensues. We’ve seen it dozens of times before in “living” rom-coms, where the two macho dudes duke it out while lobbying “the girl” to prove to her which will be the best hunter and gatherer. Who prevails is hardly a mystery. What puzzles is why actors as esteemed as Olsen and Teller assumed this thankless job.
Both are egregiously squandered, as is Oscar-winner Joy Da’Vine Randolph as Larry’s cheery, quick-tongued AC. She and Teller are terrific together, making you wish they were in a far better movie than this Thanksgiving turkey that doesn’t even possess the integrity to play by its own rules.
For example, if it’s true that everyone who arrives at the junction reverts to the moment when they were their happiest self (no teenagers, natch), how is it possible for Joan to have reached that point with both Luke and Larry, when those relationships occurred more than three years apart? And how is it that Larry and Joan are allowed to reverse the “eternities” they originally selected? Possessing a wonk mind, I also couldn’t help wondering who was responsible for all of the junction’s modern infrastructure, which resembles a massive, multilevel exposition hall. And who manufactured all the materials, who assembled them, who maintains them and how did they get the trains to run on time? It’s enough to make your head swim.
I know, it’s a fantasy, and fantasies are just that, fantasies. But what’s wrong with instilling a modicum of logic? Also, hasn’t this “death takes a holiday” thing already been done to, well, death? When you seek to approach a genre that’s previously given us classics such as “Heaven Can Wait” and “Defending Your Life,” shouldn’t you aim a bit higher than this? Even at 75 minutes, let alone 112, it would feel padded. That’s why I say, Life’s too short to waste a second of it spent in “Eternity.”
Movie review
Eternity
Rated: PG-13 for sexual content, some strong language
Cast: Miles Teller, Elizabeth Olsen, Da’Vine Joy Randolph and Callum Turner
Director: David Freyne
Writers: David Freyne and Patrick Cunnane
Runtime: 112 minutes
Where: Currently in theaters
Grade: C
