Lumbering ‘Tree’ is all bark, no wood

     Tomatoes play a major role in Ben Gregor’s adaptation of Enid Blyton’s beloved “The Magic Faraway Tree,” but, alas, they all go splat. Well, not entirely. The colorful costumes and imaginative production design are ripe for praise, but Simon Farnaby’s script too often veers toward the rotten.

     I’ve never heard of Blyton’s tales of wonder, let alone read them, but judging from what Farnaby’s has wrought, I’m not inclined to delve further into her oeuvre. Given his track record of co-writing “Paddington 2” and “Wonka” with director Paul King, perhaps I was expecting a bit more from Farnaby. But without King by his side, he proves to be nothing more than a purveyor of bad puns and disjointed storytelling.

    Magical? No! Annoying: Yes!

    I’m sure the most wee among us will find little reason to quibble, but their parents will no doubt discern that his overlong, 110-minute exercise in excessive tweeness is most trying, indeed. This despite the presence of the normally reliable Andrew Garfield and Claire Foy as Tim and Polly Thompson, city dwellers who’ve decided to flee the corporate rat race to go full “Green Acres” with their three electronic-gadget-obsessed children.

     Like Oliver and Lisa Douglas, their expected Garden of Eden proves to be something closer to the nine circles of hell, meaning a dilapidated farmhouse (actually a barn) with no amenities and, to the chagrin of their offspring, no wi-fi. Heck, there’s not even a cab to ferry them from the train depot to the new abode. So, they walk miles down a long dusty road toting their heavy bagage. Along the way, the couple’s youngest, Fran (Billie Gadsdon), finds a lost purse and returns it to its pointy-eared fairy owner, Silky (Nicola Coughlan), who happens to be lurking behind a thatch of shrubs.

      In gratitude, Silky and her irritable cohort, Angry Pixie (a grating Hiran Abeysekera), creepily invade the little girl’s bedroom that night to leave an invitation to visit the titular flora the following day. Let the alleged enchantments begin. Except there’s nothing bewitching about it, just a handful of bizarros in elaborate outfits carrying descriptive monikers such as Moonface (Nonso Anozie), Saucepan (Dustin Demri-Burns) and good ol’ forgetful Watzhisname (Oliver Chris). Silky is there, too, natch. But the others are not happy she’s allowed a human into their midst.

     Fran, you see, is adorable and even though she hasn’t spoken much in years, she quickly wins over her detractors, who instantly whisk her off to the Land of Goodies, one of a dozen fantasy worlds the Faraway Tree serves as a waystation. But to get to these make-believe environs, the gang must climb a rickety, miles-long ladder into the sky, child endangerment be damned. Once there, Gregor’s until-now slog suddenly comes alive courtesy of Alexandra Walker’s exquisite candy-colored production design. Like us, Fran is the picture of wonder as she strolls among Goodie Land’s marshmallow trees, flowering pop cakes and trays of giant gummies.

      The problem is that neither Gregor nor Farnaby renders the narrative as appetizing as the visuals, which are ham-handedly meant to contrast with the humdrum life back on the farm, where Fran’s parents resourcefully construct their tomato-growing operation. Fruits they plan to convert into the world’s finest homemade pasta sauce. Take that Ragu.

     While all this is going on, Fran’s bored older siblings, Beth (Delilah Bennett-Cardy) and Joe (Phoenix Laroche), sit around and mope over being cut off from their friends, phones and video games. Surely, they’ll predictably change their somber demeanors once Fran invites them to come along on her next visit to the Faraway Tree. But not without the sassy, cynical Beth making a consequential wish that comes true all too harshly.

    We should care about the consequences of her selfishness, but you don’t because everyone here is nothing but a type. They have no inner feelings, no discernible personalities, no purpose beyond moving an already lame story forward.  Even the quirky fairies are blah, so much so that you find yourself paying more attention to the numerous films Gregor rips off, from “The Wizard of Oz” and “Alice in Wonderland” to “The Borrowers” and “Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.” There’s not an original bone in this movie’s limp body.

      The performances range from low-key to off-putting, namely Rebecca Ferguson as Dame Snap, the flick’s poor excuse for a villain. At least she displays more life than Garfield and Foy, who don’t do whimsical well. And it doesn’t take long before the persistent sunniness possessed by their characters becomes a bit much. But they are just a symptom of a movie that is neither alluring nor captivating.

      Once the kids arrive in the French-occupied Land of Birthdays, where everyone gets to make a wish, you’re more than ready to wish this dud away, never to be seen again.

Movie review

The Magic Faraway Tree

Rated: G

Cast: Andrew Garfield, Claire Foy, Nicola Coughlan, Nonso Anozie, Dustin Demri-Burns

Director: Ben Gregor

Writer: Simon Farnaby

Runtime: 110 minutes

Where: In theaters Aug. 21

Grade: C