You can’t get much shallower than ‘Deep Water’
It stands to reason that sharks and airplanes don’t mix. True, both have protruding fins, and they DO fill their bellies with people. But that’s where the similarities end. But don’t tell Renny Harlin that. He and a stable of four imaginative writers have devised a way to blend sea and sky by upgrading a couple of dozen deeply unintelligent air passengers into first-class fish bait in the laughably awful “Deep Water.”
So, how did these unfortunate beings end up in the “Jaws” of Hollywood’s most notorious villains? Well, it wasn’t any random Sharknado, if that’s what you’re thinking. No, it’s something far more sinister: an improperly stowed electronic device. In a pink suitcase, no less. It ignites in the cargo hold of a Boeing 777 high above the Pacific on an anything-but-routine red-eye from L.A. to Shanghai.
In no time, it evolves into a conflagration that consumes the engines and hydraulics and blows a hole the size of a Buick in the fuselage. But have no fear. That’s grizzled karaoke aficionado Richard, aka Ben Kingsley, 82, in the captain’s seat, proving he’s no Sully Sullenberger while attempting to ditch the widebody and its 257 SOBs (that’s souls on board) into the shark-infested brine north of Guam. This admittedly creates genuine excitement as the plane shatters into pieces, wildly cartwheeling across the waves.
Then, a quiet calm finally settles over the strewn wreckage. Your first thought isn’t the welfare of the survivors; it’s why was an 82-year-old man at the controls when the mandatory retirement age for commercial pilots is 65? Not that his first officer, Ben (Aaron Eckhart), is any spring chicken at 58. What is this? AARP Air? No, it’s the fictional, and incredibly sloppy Northeastern Airlines, the only outfit that makes Spirit, a favorite of our soon-to-be 80-year-old president, look competent. But I digress. Besides, Harlin couldn’t care less about realism.
He’s more into replicating those pompous, over-the-top disaster movies of the 1970s, from “Earthquake” to “Meteor.” Call this one “Chomp,” as one by one, the still breathing humans are either swallowed whole or watch in horror as bits and pieces of their nubile bodies end up in the mouths of hungry, hungry makos. A few of these cursed souls will live to see the end credits, but you cannot help but believe the numbers would have been higher if someone not as flat-out imbecilic as Ben were running the show.
Upon emerging from the still-intact cockpit, he surveys the situation and determines that someone must swim to the largest remaining chunk of fuselage about 100 meters away. One of the flight attendants, a Black woman, of course, volunteers, not yet knowing they are surrounded by man-eaters. So, she dives in at great risk. But before she’s barely 20 feet out, brilliant Ben fetches an inflatable life raft. What? Why didn’t he do that before feeding his now seriously endangered coworker to the famished fins? And wouldn’t the flight attendant know about the raft, too? It makes no sense.
The only thing dumber is the newlyweds, awakening from their mile-high tryst, popping open the lav door and being washed into the depths. At least their “Brady Bunch” kiddos – his daughter, her son – are still around, albeit apart. Which is as it should be, since precocious Cora (Molly Belle Wright, so great in “Omaha”) can’t stand her new stepbrother, Finn (Elijah Tamati). For the record, neither could I. Still, you’re glad the rugrats are here because what would a disaster movie be without children in peril?
As if the sharks weren’t enough of an antagonist, Harlin tosses in a despicable human to hate in the form of the obnoxious Dan (an excellent Angus Simpson), a disgruntled chainsmoker who never misses an opportunity to insult the people trying to save his fat ass. He’s prime shark food, but there are some people even sharks won’t eat. Meanwhile, precariously resting on a shoal is another piece of wreckage, the upright tail section (creating a divine cross poking through the surface), where Finn, his fellow gamer Matt (Richard Crouchly), and the snarky older woman, Becky (Kate Fitzpatrick), reside in a rapidly shrinking airpocket, hoping to find a path out before they drown. Think “The Poseidon Adventure.”
As if that wasn’t enough shark-kill, there’s yet another piece of broken fuselage containing athletes from the U.S. and China. What their sport might be is frustratingly never disclosed, nor why both teams are bound for China. Wouldn’t the Chinese already be in Shanghai? But that’s in keeping with the make-it-up-as-you-go-along plot. Just know that the boys from both nations have their eyes on the beautiful Lilly (Rosie Zhao), as do the sharks.
It’s dumbfounding how moronic the story becomes, as Harlin ups the carnage in ever more unique ways, including a shark leaping sky-high like a dolphin to snatch its din-din. And who knew that their jaws are powerful enough to bring down a helicopter? But with Harlin, anything goes, including bad acting, cheesy special effects and simplistic characters molded to appeal to the lowest common denominator. I can’t say I didn’t chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all. But even that semblance of amusement isn’t enough to prevent this sinking stinker from winding up dead in the water, with us vociferously rooting for the toothy predators to get their fill long after we’ve had ours.
Movie review
Deep Water
Rated: R for some language, violent content, bloody images
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Ben Kingsley, Angus Simpson, Lucy Barrett, Rosie Zhao, Lakota Johnson and Molly Belle Wright
Director: Renny Harlin
Writers: Pete Bridges, Shayne Armstrong, S.P. Krause and Damien Power
Runtime: 106 minutes
Where: In theaters May 1
Grade: D
