Woeful ‘Pitfall’ most definitely is the pits

     The laughably awful “Pitfall” is slasher trash of the lowest order. It fails at every level, from the wooden acting to the rote script to the sloppy direction by its helmer, James Kondelik.

   You expect the characters to be subjected to bloodletting torture, but their encounters with a hooded psycho in a remote forest are nothing compared to the agony Kondelik evokes through the low-IQ machinations of a quintet of 20-somethings so egregiously annoying you cheer for their rapid demise.

    Kondelik’s first mistake is entrusting his “original” story idea to Victor Rose, a screenwriter who, in addition to recycling every slasher cliche in the book, reveals an affinity for whiny, insufferable protagonists. Chief among them, Ashley (Alexandra Essoe) and Scott (Marshall Williams), estranged siblings hoping to settle their years-long feud by going on a weekend camping trip together with their significant others in the woods they roamed as children. Natch, for comic relief, they’ve brought along a prickly fifth wheel in Lars (Richard Harmon), a budding film student majoring in obnoxiousness.

    Faithful to the title, it’s not long before Scott falls prey to an overt – except to him – 10-foot-deep hunting trap lined with sharp, wooden pegs, one of which impales his upper-right thigh. Although his sister’s boyfriend, Charlie (Matt Hamilton), was running just a few yards ahead of him at the time, he’s unaware Scott is missing until arriving back at camp.  But no one seems all that concerned, especially Ashley and Scott’s lady friend, Gwen (Jordan Claire Robbins), who all but shrug before retiring to their tent for a restful night’s sleep.

     Yes, THEIR tent, which I found a bit odd since one assumes Ashley would be sharing her quarters with Charlie, not Gwen. True, one could assume Ashley is saving herself for marriage, but that theory goes out the window when Ashley lets slip that she’s in a family way, presumably with the doltish Charlie. So, why aren’t they sleeping together? And does Charlie know that Ashley is a recovering alcoholic? This could get messy.

   And to make sure it does, enter UFC champion Randy Couture’s demented, nameless serial killer, who glides sleekly and silently through the woods, armed with his trusty bow and hatchet, as if he were Tarzan on steroids. And what pray tell does he do with all the fetching coeds and doltish dudes he ensnares in his booby traps? Eat them? Mock them? Who knows. Most of them end up dead before they make his acquaintance. But not Scott. He’s still very much alive, albeit bleeding out.

    And the more faint he becomes, the more he hallucinates. He also starts a video diary to relay his repentances to whoever happens to find his rotting corpse, assuming somebody does. It’s during these confessions that he reveals, via clunky flashbacks, a la “127 Hours,” the source of his rift with Ashley. Although it’s not totally clear why she blames him, and him alone, for the fiery death of their parents.

   But nothing makes sense in this truly stupid movie, which ham-handedly fills the time between brutal murders and maimings by exploring the psychoses of its characters. And then, for good measure, toss in the slayings of a couple of random beautiful young ladies who seem to have wandered in from another slasher flick.

   At least “Pitfall” is imaginative with its kill shots, inflicting gory wounds to the heart, brain and extremities via gunshots, stabbings and the aforementioned booby traps. That’s presuming the victims are indeed gravely injured. One victim has a knife thrust through both cheeks and tongue, but in the next scene, acts as if he merely nicked himself shaving. It’s utterly ridiculous. Almost as silly as the canned dialogue, often so inane, you wonder how these people ever graduated high school.

   Yes, it’s ripe for good-natured ridicule, but at 108 minutes, “Pitfall” stays long past its welcome. But be sure not to miss the hilarious climax featuring Scott running his fist up and down the stake protruding from just below his junk, creating the illusion he’s pleasuring himself. Well, at least somebody is having a good time.

Movie review

Pitfall

Rated: Not rated

Cast: Marshall Williams, Alexandra Essoe, Richard Harmon, Jordan Claire Robbins, Matt Hamilton and Randy Couture

Director: James Kondelik

Writer: Victor Rose

Runtime: 108 minutes

Where: In theaters May 29 (limited)

Grade: D